A year ago, I created this blog to document Matilda’s birth story. 

I spent a lot of time meditating on what my blog bio should say because it would represent me and what my blog would be about. I landed on, “My focus is to share my journey to home; homemaking, homeschooling, and homesteading.” I wrote this truly not knowing if / how / when those things would ever happen, but God had cast a vision in my mind and I felt those were all things He was calling me to. 

At 15 weeks postpartum, I went back to work with a familiar ache in my chest. I was thankful that I was able to be home for that long, but in between falling completely in love with our sweet baby, feedings, and diaper changes, I spent most of my maternity leave in prayer that God would make a way for me to stay home… something I’ve prayed for close to 3 years. 

Our new routine looked something like this; 6:30 I’d drop Mayla Grace off with a friend that brought her to school and picked her up after school, I’d then run 20 minutes to the other side of town to drop Matilda off with her sitter before heading to Tupelo. I learned the in-and-outs of pumping at work and would bring Matilda’s clothes in hopes that the scent would help induce a let down. I drove close to an hour after work to pick up the kids and got home around 5:30-6. I’d cook supper, clean up, do all the things to get ready for the next day, and get the kids to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat. 

As the months passed, my milk supply steadily dropped. I started getting calls weekly from school saying that Mayla Grace felt sick, but she could never pinpoint what was wrong. It seemed like every time I turned around one of the kids was sick and if not them, it was the baby-sitter or myself. I missed so many days (WEEKS) due to sick kids/baby sitters, I began to fear for my job’s security.

After the new year, I was barely pumping an ounce a day. I tried everything. I power pumped and drank body armors and made sure I was getting enough calories. I pumped during my 40 minute commute home and even listened to videos of my baby crying, but nothing was working. My body just wasn’t responding. It was already heartbreaking that I was separated from Matilda, but not being able to provide enough food for her was soul-crushing. Then God provided an ANGEL. She gifted us so. much. milk. I will never forget how she blessed us during that time.

I could sense that the Lord was showing me something through all of the turmoil. I longed to be home more than ever before but kept pushing through and praying for the Lord to make a way.  

In February, Matilda’s babysitter unexpectedly notified us that she was getting a new job. We had a little over 2 weeks to find another babysitter or daycare to keep Matilda. I spent the next few days calling every daycare in the area. They were all waitlisted or full. I talked with people at church. I made a post in a local mom group looking for a baby sitter.. but we kept coming up short. I knew in my heart that this was the Lord making a way!

The night before I put in my notice, Cody and I prayed and felt an overwhelming peace that God was calling me to stay at home. It didn’t make sense on paper. We had no idea how we were going to make it work financially, but we knew he’d be getting a raise within a few months. We trusted that the Lord would provide in the meantime.

My last day of work was bittersweet and full of surprises. The barista at the coffee shop I frequent gifted me a coffee and blessed my decision to stay home. A few of my co-workers that NEVER went out for lunch in the near 4 years I worked, took me out… and then God confirmed our decision in the most amazing way. As I was taking a picture in front of the office, Cody called me and said he had gotten his raise! 

I have been home now for 6 months. My milk supply drastically increased because I was able to nurse Matilda on demand; we are going on 14 months. I have spent every moment of every day with both of my girls.

It has been far from easy, but the Lord has provided for our every need.

Last week, we began our first year of homeschool- something I never dreamed was possible for our family. Tears come so easily as I sit in the realization of so many answered prayers. We are HOME. To God be the glory.  

If you love a good birth story, grab your coffee and settle in to read about the birth of our second daughter, Matilda Jo! You can watch her birth video here!

Saturday June 10, 2023 7:45 AM

I woke up (or to be more precise, my bladder did) around 7:45. As I was making my way to the restroom I felt a rush of fluid. With my oldest, my water broke first thing in the morning so it was an all-too-familiar feeling that stopped me in my tracks. Instinctively, I knew that’s what was happening, but I brushed it off as just a random symptom of pregnancy. A few minutes went by and I felt another rush of fluid, this time accompanied with bloody show; the adrenaline started to kick in. As I changed, my thoughts raced. Surely this wasn’t happening again. I was 37 weeks on the day.

I spent the last 9 months preparing for a natural, unmedicated birth. I watched natural home/hospital birth videos nearly every day. I learned about the stages of labor. I learned tips and tricks for managing pain. I learned how to breathe through contractions and how to apply counter pressure, but somehow, I did not prepare for this to happen again. I told myself if it happened one more time my waters were certainly ruptured, and before I could even complete that thought I needed to change.

As I mentioned, with my oldest daughter labor started very similarly. My water broke in the morning. I was young and clueless as to what it was, wasn’t in any pain, so I went about my day. That afternoon I went grocery shopping and planned to go home and cook supper, but I casually told my husband to drop me off at the hospital to go get checked. I only lived a few streets away. Once they established that my waters were ruptured, I was told I couldn’t leave. I didn’t know anything about birth and felt so blindsided by everything that happened. There’s a lot to her story that I will tell at another time, but after many interventions and hours of non-progression, her birth ended in an emergency cesarean. The one thing I prayed and prayed to avoid for this birth.

I didn’t plan for my water to break, but I did know what to expect this time. I knew that time was now ticking. According to the hospital I gave birth at last, I had around 24 hours before they started talk of a cesarean. I knew that I was healthy. I knew not to introduce any bacteria by inspecting myself. Baby was moving as normal. I made the decision to go about my day and pray for my body to go into labor naturally.

9:30 AM

My excitement grew as I realized that it was the day! It was also our last day as a family of three. Cody was at work- he had volunteered to go in that day to make a little extra money before baby came. I couldn’t wait to call him! I could hear the sweet, eagerness in his voice as I told him we’re having a baby soon!

I decided to take Mayla Grace on a breakfast picnic. We went and picked up her favorite breakfast, donuts, and stopped at a nearby church playground. We played and tried to see how fast we could do the Mrs. Mary Mac hand clap. I really stopped to notice everything about her in that moment. Her long legs that made her so tall. The freckles on her nose. Her silly laugh. I listened to every word my big girl was saying, knowing her whole world was about to change. How did seven years go by so fast?

11 AM

We planned months back for my mama, sister and aunt to come help me clean the house and organize things before baby. I hadn’t said a word to them yet and when they arrived I surprised them the news. I wish I had videoed their reactions because they did not disappoint! They kicked it into overdrive, cranked up the “cleaning” music, and floated around my house with dusters, sprays, mops and excited concentration. They let me take it easy. They fed me lunch. They let me shower and get ready as they packed my hospital bag. Bodies running to and fro to fetch everything on my list. I watched them in awe. It was such a loving experience and it is my hope that every woman receives support and care like this in their life!

2 PM

All day I prayed for my body to go into labor. I started to notice cramps and tightening in my lower stomach, but at this point in pregnancy I was use to random pains! We had been busy cleaning for hours so I told myself I was probably just overworking my body. I noticed that the cramping was coming and going, but I still wasn’t convinced that they were real contractions. While cleaning I had to take frequent breaks to rest.

During one of my breaks I had one really long and painful cramp- it certainly didn’t feel “normal” and caught my attention. I didn’t go into labor on my own with my first baby.. I can’t explain how exciting it was to be experiencing real contractions… I was officially in the early stages of labor! My body was doing exactly what God designed it to do!

4:30 PM

It just so happened that we also planned to have maternity pictures taken on this day. Wild right!? I have very few pictures of me in my first pregnancy so it was a priority for me to document this special time in my life. I messaged Claire, our photographer, who was originally going to meet us around 30 minutes away. She was very surprised and sweetly suggested to meet us right down the street from our house.. and the pictures are BEAUTIFUL. So thankful to have something to look back on to remember that wild, special day by!

I can’t help but think of how good God is when I reflect on the way that everything fell into place. We had a clean and prepared home, we were surrounded by the support of loved ones, we had the pictures I spent years dreaming about…. And it just kept getting better. For weeks, I worried about Mayla Grace. Where she would go while we were at the hospital and who she would stay with depending on the day and time I went into labor. I worried about her missing us and wishing she could be with us. God saw that. He knows our hearts! We already had plans for her to stay with my sister-in-law and attend their VBS for a week. How perfect was it that it aligned with when we were going to be in the hospital! My SIL came and picked her up after our pictures. It was an easy good-bye! She was having so much fun, she hardly missed us!

5:30 PM

We were finally off to the Tupelo Women’s Hospital!

I mentioned before that I spent 2 hours grocery shopping before stopping by the hospital while pregnant with Mayla Grace- I never got to eat supper and then didn’t eat for over 24 hours! I was not making that same mistake twice! Labor is just that, labor. I knew I needed something to help fuel my body for the journey that was ahead of me, so we stopped for a “last” date night at Harvey’s. I still felt baby moving normally. While we were waiting there my contractions were getting stronger and felt like they were getting closer together so I downloaded a contraction timer. They were sporadic but around 7-10 minutes apart. By the end of our supper they were getting uncomfortable.

7:30 PM

We arrived to check into the hospital. Thankfully, I had already preregistered so we didn’t have to do a ton of paperwork or have to wait to be put into triage. There I traded my dress for a hospital gown and was hooked up to a heart monitor. Baby was doing fine. The doctor on call checked my cervix and let me know that I was barely 1 cm dilated. It was a little discouraging. I was in a good amount of pain and hoped I might have progressed quickly, but I knew to hold that number loosely. Labor progresses so differently for everyone and dilation is not a good indicator for how fast/slow it could go. I tried to stay in the space of trust and patience in mine and my baby’s journey.

9:30 PM

We got settled into a labor and delivery room. The nurses allowed me to labor with very little interruptions. I learned pretty quickly that I was going to have back labor. Cody started applying counter pressure with every contraction which helped so much with the pain. For my memories, contractions felt like a wave. I could feel them rapidly grow deep in my stomach, peak, and then descend. During the whole contraction my lower back was in pain… that was honestly much harder to deal with. Once they were over I was in zero pain and we were back to talking. I would have a long, intense wave followed by a shorter less intense wave.

11 PM

I am very much a go-to-bed-at-9 pm kinda gal. So is Cody. The exhaustion was already so real, and I knew I still had a very long road ahead of me. I rotated between sitting on the birthing ball and leaning over the bed. Cody was there for every contraction, pressing firmly on my hips.

At some point in the night, the contractions were getting very strong so I hopped in the shower. The water felt so good on my tired and aching body and relieved some of the intensity in my belly and back. I spent hours there while Cody rested. The song Firm Foundation echoed in the background. I held on to every word. Praying them over me. Praying for strength.

Sunday 3 AM

They say that warm water is nature’s epidural and they aren’t lying, but I was exhausted from the business of the day. The pain began to overpower me. I asked the nurse about my options. At 3 AM I received demerol- it was just enough relief to take the edge off the back labor. Laying down in the bed was the last thing I wanted to do so when I wasn’t in the shower, I was in a recliner with a heating pad… best thing I brought! The Christian Hypnobirthing app helped me to stay relaxed and focused on breathing.

Contractions kept coming and getting longer and stronger. It’s funny to think of how much you think you are in control until you are in the very vulnerable position of pain. My entire pregnancy I had been very adamant about having a natural, unmedicated birth despite what people around me had to say about it.

I was experiencing one of the hardest things I have and will ever have to do and the nurse I had was simply unsupportive and unsympathetic. It felt like I was inconveniencing her any time I asked for something or any time I requested something outside of the “standard procedure”. GUYS. This is not how any woman should feel in labor. She knew my desires for a natural labor, but at some point in the night she suggested that we start Pitocin around 5 am.

This is where I wish had hired a doula. Little by little, I began to embrace the narrative that my body wasn’t laboring properly. Why did my water break before labor began, why was I not dilating faster, I have back labor so what if baby is posterior, how long could it take in my scenario? These were the questions in my heart that I had no answers for at the time. All of these little doubts began to pile and shook my faith in me and my ability to have a natural birth. I’m not saying that medication is bad. It is a blessing to have access to them, and I’m glad I did, but it wasn’t the experience I was hoping for. Who knows if it would have turned out differently, but I wish I had someone experienced in physiological birth to turn to in my most vulnerable moments.

The clock was nearing 5am. I had an emotional release and surrendered it all to the Lord. My plans, my expectations, and my will. I knew that His plan was best and that He would carry me through it all no matter what happened.

5:30 AM

Upon the doctor’s request, I started the lowest dose of Pitocin and felt those contractions intensify almost immediately. They were coming almost back to back, but I was doing my best to relax through the waves. Focusing on breathing deep and slow really helped me get through contractions.

8 AM

The nurses switched shifts and I got one of the sweetest nurses I have ever met! She made me realize that I wasn’t crazy. She was so attentive and provided the kind of support/care all women deserve. Some time around 8 am the doctor on call came to visit me. I’d met him before during my regular OB appointments when my doctor was out. I was a little disappointed that he was going to be the doctor to deliver my baby and that my doctor (Dr. Sanders) was not able to be there, but I made the best of it. He requested to check my cervix and I consented. I won’t get into all of the details, but it was *extremely* painful. I was 3 cm. He said, “that hurt that bad and you want to have a natural birth?… Most women would’ve already gotten an epidural by this point…. You can do what you want, but you don’t have to torture yourself.”

He talked and talked and talked at me while I had tears streaming down my face, barely able to utter a single word. When he finally left the room I had a huge emotional release. The nurse sat with me because she just knew. I told her that there was no way he was going to deliver my baby. She said he was the only doctor other than the emergency OB that could deliver. I had a choice. Stick with a doctor that I felt completely uncomfortable with or get a new doctor that I had never met who could potentially be worse. I chose the emergency OB.

11 AM

At 11 am, I made the decision to get an epidural. I had done it before. I knew what to expect, but now I was fully aware of what could potentially go wrong. It isn’t safe for everyone. The nurse repeatedly told me that I had the best anesthesiologist, and I trusted her. He came in chipper and humming to himself. He explained all that he was doing and when it came time to administer, the nurse held my hands and helped me get through a contraction hunched over. And it was over, just like that. I’m always surprised at how painless that part is. I felt the coldness in my back and as the medicine traveled through my body, my legs grew warm. I felt my body fully relax. After near 15 hours of contractions, I could finally rest.

12 PM

For the next several hours I was in and out of sleep as my hypnobirthing app played in the background. I still focused on breathing deeply to give baby plenty of oxygen. Cody made sure I was hydrated and would sneak me cheeze-its and beef jerky when the nurses weren’t in the room to make sure I kept my energy up for the big event.

I was trying to process all that had happened. How this experience didn’t turn out anything like I had hoped. Still my prayer was to have a VBAC. Several people in my family and church were praying along with me.

And then my doctor- Shantwania Buchanan- came waltzing in with the warmth and tenderness I’d so been longing for. She was beyond wise, always asked for consent before doing anything and communicated effectively all that was going on. I became her baby / honey and felt so safe and held, like I had a mother in the room. It felt like God sent me an angel.. she strengthened me with her encouragement. Here is where I want to pause and say ALWAYS ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF. I was hesitant about switching doctors. I wondered what the other doctor would think and say, but in the end, it was my experience. No one else’s. I am so thankful that I went with my gut. Dr. Buchanan completely changed this experience for me and made it a positive one. I mean it when I say I love her!

Dr. B told me that we wouldn’t even start talking about having a cesarean until I hit the 48 hour mark. This was a HUGE relief for me because I only was given 24 hours at the other hospital. I felt God affirming my heart through all the disappointments.

6 PM

I spent the day sleeping on and off in between my nurse checking in and gradually increasing the Pitocin. I knew her shift was ending soon and that I’d have the same nurse I had the night before.. only this time, while I was delivering my baby. I couldn’t shake the thought… so I requested a different night nurse.

7:30 PM

In walks Mrs. Shanon! She was full of energy, had the biggest smile and so much personality. I felt so relieved! She was the exact cheerleader I needed, and I knew I could ask her for anything without feeling weird. Again, advocate for yourself!

Dr. B suggested an internal monitor to measure the strength of my contractions and found that they weren’t as effective as she’d like. I was nearly topping out the normal dose of Pitocin (level 20?). Mine and baby’s hearts were stable and everything else was going smoothly so she cranked up the Pitocin… and I continued to rest.

9:30 PM

Dr. Buchanan came in and had a very real discussion with me. I had only progressed 2-3 cm since receiving the epidural. We agreed to schedule a cesarean for 7am Monday morning if baby hadn’t come by then. I was a little disappointed, but ultimately I wanted baby here safely. I trusted her and knew that she was doing everything she could and I appreciated her so much for it.

However, the fighter in me knew I had little time so I was going to try whatever I could do to hopefully deliver vaginally. I asked if we could go ahead and try rotating sides with the peanut ball with the thought that this would help open up my pelvis enough for baby to descend. Mrs. Shanon said they usually save that for when mama’s are in active labor, but I was adamant about trying. Couldn’t hurt, right?

10:30 PM

I was in a half asleep-dreamy state. I noticed that I could feel a little bit of pressure from the contractions off and on, but I was so tired that I didn’t fully realize what was happening… Until one big contraction left me feeling enough pressure that my eyes flew open. Cody woke up simultaneously. I looked at him wide-eyed and told him I think I can feel the baby! We called Mrs. Shanon in and sure enough our sweet baby had descended far enough that she could see the head! We were all shocked and amazed that I progressed that quickly.

Pretty soon after, we began practice pushes.. that really led into pushing with every contraction. We did this for two hours. Yep, you read that right! I could feel the pressure from each contraction and would push with them.. resting and talking in between. At one point I asked if they had a mirror. All I could see was a head full of black hair! I feel like this helped me push more effectively.

11:00 PM

Dr. B came in smiling and congratulating me saying, “That’s what I’m talking about!” She told me all of the options I had for pushing….. and then she gave Cody the choice to catch our baby. This was another way that God was affirming my heart! This was a desire of mine early on in pregnancy, but my doctor said it was against hospital policy. But God! He loves to give good gifts. It was the exact encouragement I needed to keep going!

11:40 PM

Shanon was right there with me guiding me to push and counting through contractions for me. Dr. B would check in periodically, but she always made sure I was comfortable. She would ask, “Are you thirsty? Nauseous? Do you have heartburn? Are you hot?” I felt like a princess! She had a reputation with the nurses that things were going to go her way, but she was so thorough. I felt so safe! For my memories, she also made sure that the nurses had oil on hand so that baby would “slide out” easier, ha!

Monday 12:20 AM

I continued the hard work of active labor. At one point in pure exhaustion I thought to myself, “She’s never going to come out.” I was getting so tired, but I kept pushing with every contraction and focused on my breath. It was hard to tell how effectively I was pushing, but I could certainly feel the pressure and pain of it which was surprising to me. I fully embraced it. Suddenly, baby was fully engaged in my pelvis so Shanon called for help. People came swarming in like busy little bees, each doing a job. 12 minutes later, I could feel the ring of fire. It was just the beginning of it. I sat in that pain for what felt like forever. Next push, baby’s head emerged- I vocalized a “thank you God!” One final push later and baby was in daddy’s hands- I couldn’t help but to laugh with joy! Mrs. Shanon exclaimed “happy birthday!”

Around half-way through my pregnancy, I felt strongly that I was having a girl… and pretty much everyone else was convinced it was a boy.

Cody announced “We’ve got a girl!” and put her on my chest. It was so validating to my instincts as a mother that somehow I knew what both of my babies were going to be.

The After

Hands were everywhere, but I hardly noticed. I couldn’t stop smiling- I couldn’t believe we had another daughter! They left her attached to the placenta until it stopped pulsing upon my request and I delivered it pretty soon after. I wanted to see the home that kept my baby safe so Dr B. showed me the placenta, and pointed out where baby had come out. As she was explaining things I couldn’t help to think of how wonderful God is. How he knew our baby girl long before we did.

Psalm 139:13-16 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

2 AM

The crowd of helpers left the room. At last the room was still and quiet. We turned down the lights and got comfortable.. It was Cody’s turn to hold his girl. He carefully picked her up and placed her all snug against his bare chest. The baby girl he’d just delivered. We took in all her little features and listened to her sweet squeaky breath. We could not believe her head of hair.. and how much she looked like her big sister. We wondered what her name would be.

The night Mayla Grace was born, after the excitement had died down and everyone left the room, we stood over her bassinet and with much fear, we prayed over her and ourselves as her parents. We were terrified to think that soon this baby would be leaving with us. We were kids ourselves.

Seven years of trials and mistakes and joy and longing had gone by. We grew up together. And with teary eyes we prayed over this baby, only this time with so much confidence and hope! Those first few hours after baby are some of the sweetest, most sacred moments.

She started to get fussy so we tried nursing. She latched right away and my uterus began to contract- OUCH. I didn’t remember it hurting that bad with Mayla Grace! I could barely hold my eyes open, but felt so much joy and relief that it was over. I did it! I had the VBAC I prayed for!

3 AM

Just when you think you’re going to get to sleep someone else comes in!! They got baby’s measurements, footprints and weighed her. She weighed in at 7lbs, 7oz and was 18 inches long.

4 AM

Still no rest, ha! We moved into a mother/baby suite and said goodbye to Dr. Buchanan and our nurse, Shanon. It was a strange, bittersweet feeling. They had taken such good care of me, saw me at my most vulnerable moments, helped me bring life earth-side, and then it was just goodbye.. but of course, I’ll never forget them.

Baby girl and I stayed skin to skin through the night and she cluster fed. I got little rest, but I didn’t mind waking up to see her. Around noon I got a shower and took my time getting ready- soon we would have our first visitor, Mayla Grace!

4 PM

For YEARS Mayla Grace had been praying for a sister. She told us repeatedly that she wished she had someone to play with and often asked when we would have a baby. We wanted her to be the very first to meet her sister and let her take as much time as she needed. Cody left the room to escort her from the lobby- I could hardly wait!

Mayla Grace walked in a little nervously, but I could see the excitement in her face. I had baby wrapped up. The first thing she said was, “Is it a boy or girl?” haha! I told her “Girl!” She did a cute little happy dance, and then I let her hold her answered prayer. We talked about just that, how God had heard her prayers!

One by one, we let our family members in to see our sweet no-name baby. Mayla Grace would proudly answer the door and usher them in. Aunt Elle, Aunt Mackenzie, Cici, and Aunt KK came. It was so fun to surprise them with the gender of our baby!

After our family left, we ordered El Agave chicken soup (best decision ever!), relaxed and tried to get some sleep. It felt so special and fun to have that one-on-one time with Cody.

Tuesday June 13

We woke up to a phone call from the front desk. “We have to have a name for the birth certificate before you leave”. We had narrowed it down to two names that I had picked out while pregnant. Cody never really offered any girl names, but he approved of the ones I had. We knew that her middle name would be Jo, after my great grandmother Josephine. All throughout the day I would call her by the names we had, but neither one really stood out to me or felt right. I would try to imagine her name written in the book of life.

We washed baby girl’s hair for the first time and Cody held her while I took a shower. When I walked out, he was standing up swaying her. He said, “Why don’t we name her Matilda?”

Most people think of the movie when they hear that name, but I think of the song. To be honest, most of the lyrics seem to make no sense, but the end of the song is my favorite. It’s soft and sweet… almost like a lullaby. When Cody and I were first dating, he would sing that part to me, but replace Matilda with Marissa. I knew that name belonged to our girl. It brings me SO much joy to know that my husband got to name our second daughter, our Matilda Jo.